I figure this.
After I’ve had a few drinks of course.
Sometimes being selfish is okay. I think about the decisions that lie ahead of me and no matter what I’m going to do what I want to do and what is best for my situation.
And heres my situation right now. I’ve thought through every decision and I’ve come to this list of conclusions.
1.) I cant go on the trip this weekend with Victoria because I don’t have enough money.
2.) If I’m going to move out I need to start saving some money for that.
3.) I’m not going to move out with Victoria.
a.) because she’s never lived on her own I don’t want to have to rely on her.
b.) she may or may not be going to grad school and might move, if she moves I need
long term than just temporary instead of 6 months.
c.) If we need a co-singer we’ve already discussed that her parents won’t co-sign and my
my parents sure as hell won’t do that.
4.) I think I might try and get my job back at main event,
5.) So I will take less hours next semester, probably like 9, and work 2 jobs.
although, I’m already stressing out enough as it is, I want to be independent. Mostly because I want to what I want. Because my parents suck. Although, I do love my parents they are smothering me. Actually, living with my parents isn’t that bad right now. I find myself in a worse financial situation right now that I did when I lived on my own. Because I feel like I don’t have to pay for anything. But I did get my loan approved, and hopefully I’ll have some money left over for next semester. Because I’ve had to borrow money from Modine and Gene for books that makes me feel like shit. Absolute shit.
I hate having to rely on others for independence. I want to work for what I have. Living with Max and Donavan will be fun, don’t get me wrong. But I have thought about the controversies of living with them. My parents will probably be pissed with my decision. Victoria won’t like it either. But right now I just want to do what’s best for me. And although I say I need time to think about my decisions I’ve already decided what I want to do.
I want to move in with Donavan and Max. I want to take less hours next semester. I want to maintain two jobs and school. I want to apply for an internship next summer in Dallas. I want to be something that I am proud of. I want my life to be something worth while.
I was stressed, but maintaining my time, social life, sleep, and work has been stressful but I think I can do it.
I still have so much stuff I need to finish for tomorrow I feel like. Actually it’s just reading a book for Wednesday, I actually got a lot of stuff done tonight. And technically I have been maintaing two jobs and school because I’ve been working for my dad still.
It’s like if I write about what I want it makes more sense. But then I feel like shit because I feel like I have to please everyone.
I’m afraid to talk to my parents about what I want. Like they’re aren’t going to let what I want happen for me. They restrict me. They are going to talk me out of it. I need to talk to them. Present my points in an adult fashion. But I know they aren’t going to like it. But they can’t hold me back forever. I need to write a rough draft of how I want that conversation to go. I can’t just be like oh hey mom and dad Max and Donavan want me to move in with them, I’m moving a week from today. I need to give them notice. Show them I am financially responsible. Show them I am responsible in general. Stop drinking so much. I’m about to be off probation.
I feel like I have failed as a child. Like I can’t take care of myself. But then I think I have faced more challenges than anyone my age has had to face. Being responsible of my own actions. Of course my parents have gotten me out of situations but then again they are ridiculous about most things. I think it’s just the way I was raised. Most of the people I know, scratch that, all of the people I know, their parents are okay with them drinking. And I’m not saying my friends parents don’t care, but sometimes I wish my parents were like that. But then that makes me feel guilty. Like I resent my parents for they way they raised me. I love my parents. So much. They have done so much for me. But I want to do things on my own.
My life is so contradicting.
I think about my decisions, and then I realize deep down what I want to do. I don’t have to convince myself. I already know what I want to do. Then there’s part of me that says what I want and what I need are two very different things. But how am I ever supposed to learn and grow if my parents keep treating me like a child….
rant over. Maybe if I read over this when I’m sober it will makes sense. More sense, and help me to decide it is what I should do.
fuck. I’m tired.
I just want to get laid.
I just want a boyfriend.
I just want to be in my own bed.
Dreaming about how perfect life could be within the next year.
after I graduate.
I already want to graduate and it’s barely my first year.
STRESS is an understatement.
I just want to be able to talk to my parents.
I just want to be good at journalism.
I want so many things.
I am so god damn selfish.