as my life unfolds

Nick leaves tonight after work. 

It’s my last chance to tell him how I really feel.. Idunno, like something tells me that he really is leaving, but on the other hand he might just be fucking with me and really be back in 10 days. I don’t wanna take the chance. Why is this so hard for me? I’ve never been one to second guess taking a chance. I’ve always been open with telling people how I feel about them. And of course he knows that I like him, but not nearly half of it. I don’t even know what I would say. Hey, just thought I’d let you know I love you. Have a safe trip, it was nice knowing you. Like no. It has to be more meaningful. Like when he leaves he won’t stop thinking about me or wanna leave for that matter. But this isn’t some fairytale or romantic movie, its real life. And life goes on. I keep telling myself if it was meant to be it would have happened already. 

I’ll never forget the first time I stayed the night at his house. I was so sick the next day. Looked completely awful, felt 10 x’s worse. He had class that day. Before he left for class he gave me a simple kiss and told me he’d be back. I wish I could keep the innocence of that moment forever. I picture that moment all the time. I laid on his couch all day. I didn’t even go home until like 6 or 7. Essentially he took care of me that day. Made me mac n’ cheese. Kate, Smith, Nick, and I laid around and watched movies all day. And when I left I texted him thanking him for letting me stay at his house. He wanted me to come back. I still have those texts. It’s like I’m holding on to that moment because it was the closest thing I had to actually being with him. 

And that time I stayed at his house and woke up the next day and he was cuddling with me. We didn’t do anything, but the fact that he had his arms around me made me feel special. 

I wish I knew what was going to happen. I wish I knew if he was really leaving. Nick is one inconspicuous individual. I can’t quit grasp why in the world I like him so much. It would never work. My parents absolutely hate him. We butt heads all the time. He’s an asshole most of the time. But something tells me it would be perfect. 

Why am I such a hopeless romantic? 

I just don’t feel myself. 
I’ve been thinking about Jordan a lot.
I had a dream about him a couple nights ago.
He was talking to me in a coffee shop.
I fell asleep to his music. Maybe thats why I had the dream… 

Part I

Something always ends up being my fault. And its really annoying because essentially I did nothing wrong. Yet, I always tend to fuck up and get blamed. Maria, and others, isn’t talking to me at the moment because she got really hammered last night and I went off and she couldn’t find me for like 30 minutes. So she like slammed her front door in my face and I literally just left. And then she texted me that all she ever does is try to keep me safe and is always worrying about me. Like a fucking mom. Like I don’t need someone to look after me all the fucking time and to be on my case. My parents do that enough. I was perfectly fine last night. Yet it was still my fault, and I ruined everyones time. Even Ariel was pissed at me. He called me an ass. Like wtf… Ernie was texting me about it later on and was just saying that she would get over it, but like if this is what it’t going to be like when we move in together, I’m kinda regretting my decision now. 

Part II 

And then I get attached to people too easily. Nick is leaving on Tuesday. For good. To Boston. And I’m like super upset. I can’t decided if I should tell him how I feel. I mean he knows, but only to a certain extent.

Part III

Dakota. We fucked last night. Obviously. And Smith got onto my case saying that I need to figure out what I want from him. It was kinda hard talking to Smith about it because he was very repetitive. And kept telling me the same thing over and over again and I would repeat my answer, like he wasn’t listening or something. Anyways the gist of the conversation was whether or not I want to be in a relationship or not. Of course you can’t decided when you’re ready. Relationships just kinda happen. And I don’t see it happening anytime in the near future, but it if does thats great. For now I told Dakota to just live life, have fun, and just enjoy being single. We talked about it a lot this morning. And I shared a lot with him today, and it felt nice. 

Essentially, this is going to be a long post. So prepare yourself. 

Jordan Watts. The epitome of perfect. Singer, artist, hilarious, strong follower of God, amazingly talented, handsome. He was so many things. Was. He took his own life. Hung himself. I found out while at work and it just got me. Although, I was never even really that close to Jordan for some reason it just got to me. Like he had so many things going for him and for him to just kill himself. I guess you never really know the full story. Those who seem perfect also have their problems and flaws. I mean, granted he was diagnosed with some sort of mental illness dealing with depression, but still. I will never understand. Lately I’ve just been wondering, he was so inspirational and had an impact on everyone he came into contact with, what’s my purpose? I watched a video of him called hands free and he was talking about his art and his music saying that if he didn’t use those talents to praise the one who gave them to him he’d be spitting in His face. And that even if God took all of his fingers from him he wouldn’t love God any less and he’d still praise his name. It’s just amazing. I’ve watched that video a couple of times. I wanna have impact on someones life. I feel like lately I’ve just been one big disappointment and I don’t know how to get out of this funk. I’ve asked this before, but what actually makes a person want to change? What is the one thing that I’ve got to experience to make that change? I also keep thinking, what was Jordan’s last thought? He knew what he was doing. &I keep asking myself what’s the one thing, that if I were about to kill myself, makes me happiest and could possibly make me want to back out and not do it. Family. Obviously. The thought of not being with them. Friends. Again obvious. Besides that? Life is precious. I want to embrace every aspect of it. Another thought provoking question. My mom always tells me that if we kill ourselves we go to hell. If that’s true…. Does that mean Joran is in hell? We don’t get to choose we leave this world. I like to think that that’s in God’s hands. But at this point, I don’t know what to believe. I’ve always had a really rocky belief system and faith. This is testing me. The viewing was tonight and I was gonna go, but I just couldn’t bring myself too. I don’t want to remember Jordan that way. Dead. Lying in a coffin. Plus, I wasn’t all that close to him. I feel like the viewing is for super close family and friends. I’m definitely going to the funeral tomorrow though. To show my respects for Jordan. Caleb is taking it really hard. I think Jarrod is too. Although, I haven’t talked to Jarrod in months so seeing him at the funeral tomorrow might not be such a bad thing. Life is so full of surprises. I can’t take the chance anymore, I have to be more careful. 

It feels good to actually have the time to sit down and write about this. I’ve been with people constantly for the last few days, and haven’t really had down time. I kinda didn’t wanna be alone when I first found out. Cause I mean, I didn’t really know how to handle it. 

In others words got a car. Just in the process of having it inspected and then we’ll go from there. Trying to gain the trust of my parents back. Got hammered yesterday. &the day before. God, I need to change. 

I’m having trouble thinking straight. Things have been going great. My parents finally found a car, they said that their trust for me is slowly being regained, I managed to control my drinking yesterday, I have amazing people in my life right now. 

But there’s always something.
Nick vs. Dakota. Relationships at its finest, right? 

I’m losing interest in Dakota. And I’ve always had feelings for Nick, but it’s starting become a problem now. I can’t seem to hold myself back as much and let it not affect me. Like he’s been being like super nice to me lately and like cracking jokes of us being together and I know he’s not serious, but it leaves me with a glimmer of hope that someday it might. Dakota was just straight pissing me off yesterday. His attitude towards, relationship wise, reminds me too much of James. And we know how well that ended. Idunno, like he just isn’t the kind of guy I wanna be with right now. I don’t even know if I wanna be with anyone right now. I’m having too much fun doing my own thing. And of course there are other factors. Like I’m not ready to settle down, I don’t have an established job, things like that. I don’t really know what’s gonna happen in the future. I’m just kinda living life day by day right now. It gets confusing cause I say one thing about Dakota and the next I don’t like him. I need to make up my mind. Whatever. I’m just so over like having someone looking out for me all the time. Although, I say I can lookout for myself and I really can’t. I’m the type that needs someone taking care of me constantly. Which is where my selfish, wanting to do things on my own, attitude interferes. 

Just felt like writing. And now I don’t. 
So I guess thats the end of that.
bye.  

I drank last night. 
I had sex with Dakota.

the end.  

my mom told me today that the only way I will get a car now is that they have to trust me again. They’ve found several cars but haven’t jumped on one yet because they don’t know if they can trust me. 

no. more. drinking.

you have that in writing. 

It has occurred to me that I sometimes care too much. Other times I don’t care enough. There are plenty of examples in my life that have taught me that there are times that I shouldn’t let emotions get in the way, yet other times I should use them to build a better life or attitude for myself. Life is all about learning. You make mistakes. You learn. It’s the never ending cycle. When you care about something it can go one of two ways. You can either let it get in the way of how you live your daily life, effecting it positively or negatively, or you can use it to construct a better understanding of why some things happen and others don’t. By caring too much you create a false illusion for yourself that it will matter and that person or thing you care about will be worth it in the end. By not caring enough you give up hope and destroy a good future you could create for yourself. Caring for people is one thing, caring for objects or dreams is completely different. Both tend to destroy you or assist you into becoming a better person. By caring for others too much you make yourself vulnerable. You let them know that no matter what they do, even if they hurt you, you will let your emotions get the best of you and they will always look good in your heart. By caring for, a job for example, too much and you become a workaholic who can’t tend to their family. Not enough and you look lazy and unorganized about what you want out of your career. So where is the line between caring too much and caring too less? You just have to set your priorities straight. Figure out what is most important to you and then rank them. If family is most important to you, do what you can to make your family happy yet don’t let them take advantage of you. It takes skill to know how much to care and when you should back off and just let things run their course. 

On a personal note, I have come to find myself caring for a certain someone more and more each day. Today he ignored me and it was all I could do to figure out what I did wrong. Assuming that it was me. Even if it wasn’t me, I couldn’t help but to think about his problems and how I could help him to fix them. Yet I get nervous knowing I could never talk to him about those kinds of things cause I don’t want him to know how much I truly do care deep down. It sucks sometimes that we can’t pick the people that we fall in love with. We see ourselves trying to choose a significant other because we think it’s whats best, yet our heart leads us in another direction. Our hearts can sometimes be wrong too. Which again, goes to show how hard it is to just sit back and watch things play out the way they should, that you have no control over. In a couple of months this said someone will be leaving and I won’t have to worry about it anymore, although I know for a fact I will be thinking of him everyday when he’s gone. How do we even develop feelings for someone? You spend so much time with them, and then one day you wake up and your heart beats irregularly when they’re around. You breath shortens at the thought of seeing them again. These emotions sneak up on you, and its hard to keep them in check. 

Therefore, the moral of the story is allow yourself some time to breath. Think things over and the whole situation before you jump in a let your emotions show a different side of you that people aren’t ready to see. When you find that perfect someone they will want you and willingly deal with all your flaws and not so good demeanors that you find yourself hating about yourself. They will care for you as much as you care for them and then it won’t be a problem anymore. Live life freely without fear of being judged. If you aren’t lucky enough to find someone who loves and cares for you endlessly take pride in your work and passion. Show people what you’re made of. Let them know you are confident in being your own person and that you don’t need someone to keep your emotions in check. Find an outlet for your emotions and let them run free. 

Why care?
Figure out where you are in life, then ask yourself that.  

Oh lord. Where do I even begin? Went day drinking at Nicks yesterday and you know how well that always ends up. I ended up bawling like the whole time about everything. When am I gonna learn that I can’t get that drunk and expect something good to come out of it? I guess I’ll start with the main reason why I was crying. 

Jessica Traylor. Big sloot. Used to party with her a lot back when me, Victoria, and Talon hung out with Tucker and his crew. She’s only 17. She killed someone because she was driving drunk. She ran a red light and killed an older man on a motorcycle, which happened to be related to Vince, and then she tried to flea the scene and got out of her car to try and run and it caused a 6 car pile up injuring a few other people. She made bail today and I can’t decided if I’m pissed or not. I want to say that she got what she deserved, but then I did the same thing. Except I was lucky enough and didn’t manage to kill anyone. It just sucked cause I knew her. But it wasn’t her first offense. She had a dui and possession of drugs. So my mom all showed me the news report on it and that made me burst into tears. I guess that was finally the thing I needed to see to have a wake up call. But then I proceeded to get day drunk yesterday and I guess I was feeling guilty about it and started crying and told everyone not to let that happen to them I guess. 

Second thing I was crying about, go ahead and guess? If you guessed Nick you’re correct. Idunno what was going through my head. Dakota was there so I was all trying not to act like I liked him and whatnot, but the minute me and Maria left Nicks house it was like I couldn’t be without him. It was weird. I just need to lock up my emotions cause I’m letting them get the best of me. I was like calling and asking for Nick in the bathroom like a scumbag, and I just embarrassed myself even further. I wish I could understand my intentions of liking Nick. Why? I know that it won’t ever happen. I just need to tell myself that. Through every dream I have of that ever happening out the window. It only bothers me sometimes. Like I’m starting to get used to it, but then I get jealous. And then freaking Dakota…. that it just a mess. I think that I like the way Dakota makes me feel emotionally. Like he could take care of me, like Steven did. He reminds me of Steven, and he reminds me of myself being an emotional wreck and whatnot. He told me yesterday that he wanted to kill himself and thats when I told him to come over to Nicks. Ugh. I’m just like sick of looking like the stupid sloot all the time.  Maybe I should give up drinking for a while……….

I say that now, I know I can’t do it. I have to admit that I have a problem. I’m not an alcoholic necessarily I think that I just abuse it too much. Either I need to learn to control myself and portion how much alcohol I can drink or not drink at all. All the people I love hanging out with though, we always have to drink. Which goes back to the whole who I hang out with reflects the decisions that I make. Which makes me think of what a big disappointment it would be for my mom or dad to find out that I haven’t stopped drinking. Wouldn’t it be such a shock to everyone if I did stop?

maybe I should challenge myself.
maybe people would respect me.
maybe I’d respect myself more.
maybe I’d find someone who likes me for me.
maybe I wouldn’t have to try so hard to fit it.
maybe my friends would like me better as the sober one.

thats a lot to think about.
goodnight.  

I didn’t get that job. Now I have to be a blue shirt.