Oh lord. Where do I even begin? Went day drinking at Nicks yesterday and you know how well that always ends up. I ended up bawling like the whole time about everything. When am I gonna learn that I can’t get that drunk and expect something good to come out of it? I guess I’ll start with the main reason why I was crying.
Jessica Traylor. Big sloot. Used to party with her a lot back when me, Victoria, and Talon hung out with Tucker and his crew. She’s only 17. She killed someone because she was driving drunk. She ran a red light and killed an older man on a motorcycle, which happened to be related to Vince, and then she tried to flea the scene and got out of her car to try and run and it caused a 6 car pile up injuring a few other people. She made bail today and I can’t decided if I’m pissed or not. I want to say that she got what she deserved, but then I did the same thing. Except I was lucky enough and didn’t manage to kill anyone. It just sucked cause I knew her. But it wasn’t her first offense. She had a dui and possession of drugs. So my mom all showed me the news report on it and that made me burst into tears. I guess that was finally the thing I needed to see to have a wake up call. But then I proceeded to get day drunk yesterday and I guess I was feeling guilty about it and started crying and told everyone not to let that happen to them I guess.
Second thing I was crying about, go ahead and guess? If you guessed Nick you’re correct. Idunno what was going through my head. Dakota was there so I was all trying not to act like I liked him and whatnot, but the minute me and Maria left Nicks house it was like I couldn’t be without him. It was weird. I just need to lock up my emotions cause I’m letting them get the best of me. I was like calling and asking for Nick in the bathroom like a scumbag, and I just embarrassed myself even further. I wish I could understand my intentions of liking Nick. Why? I know that it won’t ever happen. I just need to tell myself that. Through every dream I have of that ever happening out the window. It only bothers me sometimes. Like I’m starting to get used to it, but then I get jealous. And then freaking Dakota…. that it just a mess. I think that I like the way Dakota makes me feel emotionally. Like he could take care of me, like Steven did. He reminds me of Steven, and he reminds me of myself being an emotional wreck and whatnot. He told me yesterday that he wanted to kill himself and thats when I told him to come over to Nicks. Ugh. I’m just like sick of looking like the stupid sloot all the time. Maybe I should give up drinking for a while……….
I say that now, I know I can’t do it. I have to admit that I have a problem. I’m not an alcoholic necessarily I think that I just abuse it too much. Either I need to learn to control myself and portion how much alcohol I can drink or not drink at all. All the people I love hanging out with though, we always have to drink. Which goes back to the whole who I hang out with reflects the decisions that I make. Which makes me think of what a big disappointment it would be for my mom or dad to find out that I haven’t stopped drinking. Wouldn’t it be such a shock to everyone if I did stop?
maybe I should challenge myself.
maybe people would respect me.
maybe I’d respect myself more.
maybe I’d find someone who likes me for me.
maybe I wouldn’t have to try so hard to fit it.
maybe my friends would like me better as the sober one.
thats a lot to think about.