So here’s the thing.
I want to listen and be respectful of my parents. I really do. But it’s really hard when they are so damn pushy about everything. I’ve said this before and I’m gonna say it again. It’s like nothing I do is good enough. I have two fucking jobs right now, technically three counting my dads, and they’re all pushing a job at Lowe’s on me. I get that I wouldn’t have to work as hard. I get they want what’s best for me. But seriously just let me do things on my own for once and be proud of what I’m doing. They say they’re proud of me but sometimes I doubt it. Because they’re always talking about how they don’t trust, which again I don’t blame them. But I really am trying to change. And my moms all pushing experience life on me. I went to that. What more does she want from me? I went with Victoria and it was alright.
I did feel a sense of not feeling like I belonged there. I knew it as soon as I walked in there. Most of those people want to be changed. And I do too. And most of those people are disciples. I can’t say that I am. Going back to that blog I posted a while ago. Sometimes I’m screaming into a pillow doubting a God that I’m not even sure if I believe in.
I’m becoming unhappy again. Nothing is going my way. Day in and day out it’s like no matter how hard I try at what I’m doing I fail. Every time. I want to go back to school. But I have yet to save money to even send in my damn application. It’s been done for a while. It’s just super annoying. And the only person I can blame is myself. I hate how everyone acts like I haven’t learned my lesson. This dwi haunts me everyday. Yes I still drink. But I feel guilty about it which makes me want to drink even more so that I forget about the fact that whatI I’m doing is actually hurting me and the people around me. I’ve actually been sober for a while. Only due to the fact that I’ve been stuck at home…. According to my dad that’s the only time that I make good decisions.
Suicide has crossed my mind a couple of times.
&I know that’s not the solution.
But what do I have otherwise.
Family, yeah sure.
Friends, sometimes I even doubt the loyalty of my friends. Victoria being the only exception which is funny because of the amount of times that I’ve hurt her.
Everyone at my new job thinks I”m a bitch.
Maria is pissed at me because I won’t be moving in with her again. But I have to do what’s best for me, even if that means living at home. Which right now is unbearable. Mostly because i can’t do what I want. But I do need to focus on my future.
I also hate the fact that my dad acts like I have no clue what I want to do or where I want to end up. He just thinks that I want to party all the time. “Life isn’t one big party” is a repeated phrase from his mouth. I FUCKING KNOW THAT. Why do you think I’m trying to go back to school? Why do you think I got a second job? To support myself and to pay for the mistake I made. Also stop trying to push God on me. What does that even me? Just because you believe makes a good person? I definitely don’t believe that. It’s how you believe and if you keep pushing me I’m going to do the opposite. I just want to do things on my own for once. Driving myself to both my jobs would be a start but I can’t even do that. The passenger seat, again is becoming way too comfortable.
&Bo. That’s a whole different story. One good thing that came out of going to Experience life was that the lesson was about dating. It said don’t date someone just to date. That’s how I feel about Bo. Yes I really do like him…. but what’s the point? I need to find someone to date who I can see myself marrying of otherwise it’s just a waste of time. Yeah I’ll probably continue talking to him because I enjoy our conversations and he’s a great guy but I’m done being pushy about the whole dating thing. If it’s meant to happen then it will happen. maybe GOD will find someone for me eventually.
The whole religion thing is still sort of controversial to me…..
What else could I rant about? A whole lot. I still want to start a blog that people could actually read. But I’m skeptical people won’t like it and I don’t even know where to begin. That other girls blog was flawless. She wrote so truthfully.
That’s what I want to do. Work up the courage to start one. If I’m going to be a journalist of some sort I need to start somewhere. I need to take initiative.
THANKS. This talk really helped.